Perhaps I am stuck up or a little bit stoosh, but when it comes to Carnival I have a few ground rules to which I wish everyone would adhere. Controlled fun is the best, isn't it?
1. Who should stand on a cooler?
Coolers in the Cooler fete act as a platform for hot people. I am short (5ft to be exact) and usually can't see anything ahead of me in a party. Worst, is when I look forward, and perched atop the pedastol that is a cooler, is a slouchy man. People tend to disagree with me on this one, but I believe cooler standing is for hot girls or flag wavers. The only men I like to see on coolers are sexy gay ones with abs. Further more, unless you were given an invitation, don't stand on other people's coolers. They break. Bring your own cooler if you want to levitate.
2. Know when to stop
You would think it is common knowledge by now, but some dudes don't get it. Thirst does affect our brain functions after all. If you come up behind a woman and start to wine enthusiastically, and she stops dancing even though it's mid-song, she does not want to dance with you. You know those guys who still continue dancing even though you begin to shuffle away? They literally walk and wine following you as though your bumper is a magnet. (soca reference #1) Guys, please stop. It's not that we're bad people because we don't want to dance with you. Don't overreact and accuse us of all the things you do. Maybe our possessive boyfriends are nearby, maybe we don't feel comfortable having a stranger's crotch rub up on our buttocks, or maybe we just don't like that song. For me, often it is that I love the song and I need to give a solo performance.
3. If you don't want to, don't
On the other side of the unwelcome wining partners is you. You're new to this fete thing, everyone around you is drunk and getting on bad (soca reference #2). A man you don't know/ have no interest in courting, has grabbed you from behind and starts gyrating energetically to the groovy soca jam that is playing. Since he won't hear you, don't bother to start reciting the lyrics to Patrice's "Doh ruff meh up". Don't be shy. If you don't want to dance with him you don't have to. Just step away. He will get a little upset, but it's your right to decide who gets to grope you and who doesn't. Be polite. Smile and tell him you're sorry but not interested.
4. Spousal Wining
Carnival time is not for handshakes. We greet one another backside to backside. It's less of a health hazard that way. Sometimes, a friend's spouse would come to wine on you. Sometimes it's your favourite song and you want to get Lucy. Cease and desist. Nobody likes you enough to clap along and smile as you give their husband or wife a lap dance.
5. Camel toes are for the desert
The season brings about all sorts of exciting outfits. Everyone's tops get a little bit shorter and sheerer and the pants gets tighter. If your white pants tighter than a vice-grip, please pay attention to the pudendal region. While side boob and ass cleavage have somehow qualified as sexy zones, your camel toe has not yet made the mark.
6. The Miley Cyrus
"Yuh showing off your tongue ring. Put it back in your mouth" See. Even Machel doesn't want to see your tongue so he put it in a song. I don't know why soca music moves people to stick their tongues out. Especially when a camera comes near them. It's just gross. Fight the urge. keep it in.
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